And Still It Goes
by Once Upon a Whim
Summary: Luke resigns himself to the fact Lorelai is gone. Post‘Partings’


**And Still It Goes: _That Lonesome Road_**

**Luke resigns himself to the fact Lorelai is gone. Post-'Partings'**

**L/L, or lack thereof to be more precise, as seen from Luke's side of things. One part.**

**A companion piece to last year's 'And So It Goes.' If the show can recycle stories – **(_Insert chosen L-name here_) hides (_insert appropriate family-type person name here_) from (_insert L-name not previously chosen here_) until it festers out of control and blows up in their faces, causing a huge rift in the L/L space-time continuum **– from season to season, then, dammit, so can I.**

**And, as last time, I generally avoid reading and writing song-fics, but… I'm a hypocrite – sue me.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gilmore Girls, except the DVD sets. Everything else is the WB's. Oh, but not the song, that's James Taylor's.**

_**That Lonesome Road - James Taylor**_

_**Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself  
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder  
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon  
Is shining high above the trees **_

If I had stopped to listen once or twice  
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes  
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart  
I'd not be on this road tonight

Carry on

Never mind feeling sorry for yourself  
It doesn't save you from your troubled mind

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself  
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder  
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon  
Is shining high above the trees

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

That was the only thing that Luke's mind could process as he cast a sidelong glance across the bookstore.

All he'd had to do was grab the keys to the truck and go. A simple 'Sure, let's go to Maryland,' and everything would have been different. It would have been how it was supposed to be.

But he'd gotten stuck in his head again, thinking, and now…

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

He wasn't supposed to be taking April to the mall, wasn't supposed to be taking her shopping, wasn't supposed to be helping her use her birthday Discovery Channel Store gift certificate. And he certainly wasn't supposed to see Lorelai there, in Barnes and Noble.

He wasn't supposed to see her _ever_. That was her intent, of that he was sure. It's how she operated…

That first night, he hadn't known what to think – whether to be angry at her visit to Anna, angry over her demanding ultimatum… Or afraid. Afraid of the weight of her words, and what that vision of her walking away down the street meant for them. _Never?_

No, she couldn't have meant never. Of that much he'd been able to convince himself that first night. She'd cool off, they'd talk, they'd put together a much more rational plan for when they finally would get married.

But she hadn't shown up the next morning. Or the next. Or the one after that.

Calls weren't returned, and she was nowhere to be found.

In those first few days, Sookie claimed ignorance – she knew only that Lorelai had taken the next few days or so off, with no reason in sight. Kirk had bluntly informed him that, as Paul Anka was taking up temporary residence with Babette, who wasn't as mobile as she may have been in her heyday, he'd happily resurrected his dog-walking business as a courtesy to the fuzzy namesake.

That's when the fear began to creep in. She'd even left the dog.

It wasn't a sudden overwhelming fear, but a few panicky flutters in his stomach here and there – she couldn't have meant it… Not _never_…

The rumors were flying, of that he was sure. She wasn't the sort of person whose absence around town could go unnoticed for long. Not to mention the fact that the damn dog had been left in the care of one of the two people in town most likely to make any couple's relationship troubles front page above-the-fold headline news.

He'd heard nothing directly; if nothing else, he had to give people credit for at least trying to be tactful. Well, except for Kirk, but that was Kirk.

In those first few days, he was grateful for the lack of meddling. He and Lorelai could, and would, sort out their own problems. They always had, and they didn't need the town sticking their noses in it.

But the longer he went with no contact, hearing nothing from her, hearing nothing of her, the more persistent those panicky flutters became.

Liz, however, was more a party to the rumblings around town. She claimed that no one would speak with her directly about the subject – she was linked by family ties, after all. But then she'd rambled on about heightened senses during pregnancy or something or other. She'd heard things, she claimed. Overheard things in Doose's, town meetings, Weston's.

Luke would never forget the halting, almost guilty way his sister had finally admitted what she knew about his relationship that he didn't.

_She's with Rory's father… Christopher or something._

And that's when Luke's world – his delusions of her coming back to him, of them working out their problems, of their wedding with April and Rory as bridesmaids together – came crashing down around him.

The fears that had haunted him for the better part of his time with Lorelai had come true.

And it was all his own fucking fault.

He'd _had_ her, they were _there_ – in love, engaged… Rough spots, yes, again, brought on by him, but they'd dealt with that. Valentine's Day – planning to elope. April's party – he'd finally been bridging the gap between the two halves of his life. The street in front of the diner – his fiancée, so anxious to begin that next phase of their life, that she was willing to drive away, then and there, to get married to him, without even having packed the four-hundred pounds of luggage that she needed for trips.

He should have known. He should have known how she was hurting. He should have known.

And he could have fixed it.

He could have said yes. He could have grabbed his keys, driven to Maryland, and gotten married.

But he hadn't.

And now she was with Christopher.

_Fuck._

That night, the night Liz had timidly broken the news to him, he'd let Caesar close. _Made_ him close was more like it.

He had gone quietly upstairs to his apartment. And there, sitting on his bed – on his bed that he shouldn't have been using anymore, in the apartment that he shouldn't have been using anymore – Luke had cried harder than he ever had before.

And wasn't it just a kick in the pants when, the next morning, stuffy and head-achy with an emotional hangover worse than any alcohol could ever bring on, he got a package in the mail.

Small brown box, generic typed address label, no return address, a postmark that had been rained on and was smudged beyond recognition…

And a small label stating that the contents of the package were insured. The contents. 'Jewelry.'

Her ring.

He'd cried again.

He went into hibernation after that – the diner may have opened, maybe it didn't. He didn't care. Gone was the Luke who physically threw patrons out in a violent rage, gone was the Luke who was mad at the world for ruining his relationship with Lorelai.

This time he only got to be angry with himself.

Christopher had won. And maybe that's how it was supposed to have played out from day one.

But what got to Luke most was the fact that he hadn't even fought it. He knew the dickhead was there, hovering at the perimeter of Lorelai's life, ready to jump in at a moment's notice.

And Luke had said no. One yes, an echo of his yes from just one year before, and they were on their way to get married.

Instead he'd refused and paved the fucking yellow brick road back to Christopher for her. There's no place like Christopher…

It was his own fault. He knew that. Feeling defeated, he could at least admit that to himself. It was over. They were over. And that was that. Even if she wasn't with Christopher, there was nothing anymore that he could do. They were over.

And he was miserable.

But a few days later, the phone rang, amongst the myriad of phone calls from concerned or nosy Stars Hollow citizens, April's voice echoed out from his answering machine.

"Hi Luke, it's April. Sorry I haven't called since my party, which was great by the way, but we had really big English project to do on 'Call of the Wild,' and it took me longer than it probably should have, but I don't really like English as much as my science classes. Which you probably didn't need to know. So. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I got the high game in my bowling league this month, so I won a gift certificate the mall, and there's a really great book out that I wanted to get with it, but Mom's busy with the store today and can't take me, so I thought maybe you could. Since we haven't seen each other in a while. And maybe you could help me pick out something for that Discovery Channel Store gift certificate you go me. If you get this soon, let me know. Bye Luke."

April…

Once with Lorelai, he'd wanted kids so badly. That whole picture that Lorelai herself had moped about to him. And she'd agreed.

He'd never imagined that he'd get a kid but lose Lorelai.

But that's exactly what happened, now wasn't it?

Did he want to drag his sorry self out of bed and out into the world for the first time since everything fell apart? Or at least since he realized that everything had fallen apart?

No.

But putting April first was what had gotten him into this position. He couldn't very well start ignoring her now. It wouldn't be fair to her, and it would just leave him with absolutely nothing in his life.

He'd made his bed, he had to lie in it. _Without Lorelai…_

April was in his life now. April was his life now.

He may not have been getting the life he'd wanted, but he was going to have to do everything he damn well could to make the best of what he did have.

He slowly made his way over to the phone and dialed.

"Hey April? Yeah, it's, uh, Luke. I can be there in an hour…"

So there they were – April leafing through the newest releases in the bookstore, yammering on about not reading 'Harry Potter' on principle; he barely hearing a word she said as he caught sight of the trio across the store.

Rory, looking well, if a little pale, was flipping excitedly through some travel guidebook, oblivious to his presence.

Lorelai… She looked exactly as she always did. As beautiful as ever, hair perfect, stylish outfit, impractical shoes, bright sparkling eyes, and wide grin as she undoubtedly mocked something Rory had found in the book. Absent were the tired lines on her face, the dark circles under her eyes, and the comfortable clothes meant for wallowing that Luke had expected – _or hoped?_ – to see.

And the little girl. Endless blonde pigtails and an impish grin that had echoes of Rory in it. But not Lorelai.

Mimi. Or Fifi. Or whatever the hell the hoity-toity name was that Christopher's kid had.

They looked _right_. Rory with her nose buried in a book, her little sister itching to make a beeline for the coloring books while Lorelai squatted down to try and keep her corralled.

"Luke?"

Startled, Luke tore his gaze from Lorelai to focus on his own daughter, "Huh?"

"They're sold out of the one I was looking for," April stated matter-of-factly. "Now, I could just wait, and come back later, or I could get this one instead. It's not exactly what I was looking for, and normally I probably wouldn't buy it, but it does have its merits…"

Her voice petered out in Luke's ears as his gaze involuntarily drifted back to Lorelai. Rory must have wandered further down the aisle, and Fifi was cross-legged on the ground, attacking some book with a little more fervor than the Barnes and Nobles staff would probably approve of.

As such, Lorelai was moving to take the book away and scoop the kid up when April's voice jarred him back out of his daze.

"Luke!"

His reflexes were quick, but not as quick as Lorelai's. For before he was able to tear his eyes from her and address April, she'd heard his name.

Her head jerked up as she lifted Fifi from the ground, her own eyes wide with…

Well, he didn't know what, exactly. Shock, for sure, but anything else he couldn't put his finger on.

He allowed his gaze to linger on hers for but split second.

There was no point in anything else. Nothing he said or did would change a goddamned thing.

He faced April again, "So?"

His daughter – _his_ daughter – just shrugged her shoulders, "I think I'll wait on it. I can get Mom to bring me back once they get a new shipment in. But, I do still have that Discovery Channel gift certificate. Can we go there?"

Luke nodded readily, "You got it. Lead the way."

It wasn't supposed to be like that.

Not him with his daughter, her with hers. Plus an extra one, Luke grimaced as he puttered around the diner's kitchen the next day.

In some parallel universe somewhere, it was the two of them together, walking those aisles at Barnes and Noble, with _both_ daughters. And if there was an extra little one in sight at all, she was _theirs_.

But there was no parallel Luke, no parallel Lorelai, that much he knew, regardless of what April had read excitedly to him in the truck yesterday after making her purchase of a book on String Theory from the Discovery Channel store.

He'd just finished up a tuna melt – to break himself back in, he'd stuck to kitchen work rather than the dining are – and was bringing it out to the counter for Caesar to serve when the bell on the front door jingled.

"Rory…" He stammered, awkward and unprepared, "Hi…"

Rory, looking just as uncomfortable as Luke did as he rounded the counter to her, offered a wan smile, "I'm going away for a while. To London. To see Logan," she explained stiltedly. "I was packing… I just thought you might want this back."

And without another word, she handed Luke a small velvet box and slipped back out of the diner.

Luke blinked, barely even registering what had just surpassed.

Rory was there, and then gone, and he was left clutching a small jewelry box. A box he recognized.

He gently pried it open, confirming what he already knew.

The pearls glinted in the sun that streamed in from the window, obscured only by a small pink post-it note wedged into the box.

_**Luke,**_

**_I thought you might want this for April. Her neck looks pretty "not fat."_**

**_Either way, I don't think I have much of a right to it anymore._**

_**Love,**_

_Rory_

He barely had time to make it behind the curtain at the bottom of the stairs before his eyes welled up and the note crumpled between his fingers.

Never in the time since Lorelai had left him had he even given a second thought to Rory. Even seeing her in the bookstore the day before, it still hadn't clicked.

But seeing her rushed scrawl on that little pink paper, it hit him hard.

He hadn't just lost Lorelai, he'd lost Rory too. The daughter he almost had. He lost both of them…

Fuck. He fought to choke back the bitter tears stinging his eyes as he sank down to sit on the stairs to the apartment.

Fucking Christopher.

Fucking Lorelai.

Fucking Luke Danes, screwing up the best thing that had ever happened to him.

"Luke!"

Caesar's voice was jarring. And as much as Luke wanted to run back upstairs and hide, he had to get back to his normal life as best he could.

With a cough to clear his throat, he answered in a gravelly voice, "Yeah Caesar?"

"April's here for you!"

_April._

He still had _her_.

With his first genuine smile in a long time, Luke swiped his sleeve at his face and emerged from behind the curtain. "Hey, April… What are you doing here?"

"Hey Luke," April grinned broadly, swinging herself up onto a stool at the counter. "I know we just went shopping yesterday, but you _have_ to check out these brochures that came in the mail."

"Yeah?" Luke asked, pulling up the stool next to her.

April nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah. It's for this summer camp thing, with Johns Hopkins and the Center for Talented Youth. See, I was planning on going to the biomedical engineering and genetics program at Yale this summer," she explained hastily, "But I was reading that book last night, and I'm really intrigued by this string theory."

With an amused chuckle, Luke agreed, "It definitely sounded interesting."

"Oh yeah, it definitely is," April echoed, placing an array of brochures on the counter in front of them. "But now, I saw that Hamilton has a physics and astronomy program. I'm torn."

"Tough choice," Luke ventured, not really having a clue about either.

April remained silent, looking up at Luke expectantly. "So?" she asked after a moment.

Luke's brow furrowed in mild confusion, "So… What?"

"So what do you think?" April offered nonchalantly.

"What do _I_ think?" Luke stammered, taken aback by her asking of his opinion.

"Well, you _are_ my dad," April shrugged sheepishly. "Obviously I only even found out about you because of the genetics side of things, so I _do_ like that stuff. But you heard how cool those physics theories can be. I just wanted to know what you thought."

Luke practically inflated with pride. This was his daughter, not only admitting as much, but going so far as to value his opinion on something he knew _she_ knew he knew nothing about. "I think you should do both," he declared. "If they're different weeks, and your Mom was going to pay for one, I'll pay for the other."

April's eyes went wide with delight behind the glare on her glasses, "Really?" She sobered quickly, however, "Luke, you don't have to…"

With a gentle hand on her shoulder, Luke stopped her mid-protest, "I _want_ to."

"Thanks Luke!" April exclaimed, launching herself off her stool and into Luke's arms for a tight hug, "Thank you _so_ much!"

Caught a little off guard, Luke was tentative in returning the hug at first, but slowly relaxed. "You're welcome kid, you're welcome."

In this universe, he'd blown it with Lorelai. There would be no big picture for him, not at his age. Lorelai had been his shot, but he'd fucked up and she'd moved on.

But he'd gotten his daughter.

Maybe in one of those other universes that April had talked about, he and Lorelai could work it out and he could have them both. He certainly wouldn't turn down that scenario, wouldn't turn down Lorelai, given the chance in this universe…

But he wasn't counting on that.

Maybe, with time, he'd come to accept his new situation, one without Lorelai.

But in the meantime, he had a daughter to focus on.

And so it went.


End file.
